I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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