Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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