you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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