Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
