He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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