My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
