Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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