I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
