new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize