A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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