Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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