god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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