I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
