Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
