She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
