A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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