What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
