how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
