third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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