News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
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