watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
