What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
