Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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