Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
