The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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