Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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