I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
