Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
