I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
