I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
