I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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