There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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