i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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