I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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