girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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