Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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