I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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