quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
