I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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