drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
