I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Do vagina's smell?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
