I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
