well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
