I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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