he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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