were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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