If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
