Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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