Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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