I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
