I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
