seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
