I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
