Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
