If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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