He uses pillows to masturbate.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
